Oh boy, I love math. Holy shit, I’m gonna have a seizure from the fucking title screen. You’ve never experienced math like this kids! All right. Stage One: Shooting Pinwheels I need points I’m gonna get points. It’s like- multiplier!? It’s like the 80s, “I got quarters, baby. I got quarters!” We got little small turd nuggets on the field. You got turd nuggets trying to loop around the backside turd nugge- No! None of that. Multiplier times three, that’s multiplication. Three times- You’re fuckin’ learnin’! You got numbers, multipliers, math, subtraction, addition, division, percentages? 150 plus 75. What’s that equal? Who gives a shit, But I’m fuckin’ dead! What the shit was that? I was making a stupid math joke! Not sure what I’m exactly piloting. It seems to be a small… thing. Holy shit! Oh, oh fuck! Oh, what the fuck? They’re like fucking butt snakes! They’re butt snakes! Fuck! Start me on threat level red. I don’t want to start in daisy pink. Fuck me! Ohhh! Fucking atom bomb motherfucker! Didn’t see that coming did ya? Oh God damn it! These fucking little purple shit stains are a pain in my fuckin’ asshole! Fuck off! Look at ’em spinning. Spinning like fuckin’ squares. Whoa! It’s a game about fuckin’ shapes! Watch out everybody! It will shape your asshole! What the fuck keeps killing me? I can’t even fucking see it. How do you fuck- I’m shooting fuckin- What am I shooting? Just fire it- just firing away. Just flying into shit. My score is getting shittier and shittier. I’m gonna get negative 50 next time! Fuckin’ pinwheel! You fucking pinwheel! You fuckin’ pinwheel and stupid blue diamond! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Oh shit. Oh, black hole! You got black holed motherfucker. Yeah, just fucking pop a bunch of vagina holes all over the fucking map! Jesus Christ, Jesus fucking Christ! What the shit!? It was like a goddamn fucking explosion of colours on my screen! I got fucking raped by a ra- WHAT THE FUCK!? God damnit! Great, I’m gonna fucking die again! I- [Desk slam] Fucking 70,000. And then I just get my asshole shredded, like a fucking garbage disposal. [Michael furiously gargling] I’m gonna be fuckin’ shitting spaghetti for a week. I don’t- I don’t know what the fuck’s happening. It’s like World War fucking 37 because I don’t know what year it is. We’re in a future time-space continuum, where there’s giant fucking snake monsters, and triangles, and fucking PURPLE SQUARES! And boxes and shit fuckin’ your asshole apart! Look at this fucking respawn! I just died and there’s 97 fuckin’ things on the screen! Fucking kill that gu- I blow that guy’s shoot that guy, fucking shoot that- shoot that guy, shoot that guy. Shoot that guy, shoot that guy, and that guy got me? I fucking died? I got got? Times 2 multiplier, SUCK MY COCK! These little purple boxes are the worst fucking enemy in this goddamn game. They just want to climb inside your butt and live there forever. [They’re] not gonna pay rent. They’re not gonna fucking chip in. They’re never gonna give you money for gas, but they’re always gonna want you to fucking take ’em everywhere! Oh my God, Oh, shit a little bit. Shit a little bit a little shit came out. Almost got fucked. But I didn’t. Story of my life. Fuck me! God dammit! They just fucking spawn out of nowhere! You just get swarmed! You’re fuckin’ minding your own goddamn business, and then bam! You’re in Narnia; A magical land where every fucking woodland creature wants a piece of your mouth! There’s a black hole in all four fucking corners of the screen! Ooooooooo Ohhhhhhhhhh Extra guy. Extra guy. Suck my weenie. Extra guy! Just, just, spawn me to fucking hell. Spawn me, to fucking Geometry hell You fucking piece of cunt bag! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! We’re fine. 750? Fucking 250? That’s geometry! Everyday geometry! There’s fucking shapes comin’ out of every orifice. It’s [regurgitating noise] there’s squares coming out of my fucking eye socket. There’s a triangle fucking my ear! I don’t know where the fuck that snakes been. Oh my GOD! Come on! What do I do? There was 98 fucking snakes! That was like, Indiana Jones’ worst nightmare! I was totally boned! This is a clusterfuck. This is a clusterfuck. This is a clusterfuck, oh fuck. This is- I’m out of bombs! I’m out of bombs! What the fuck are these things!? Are you kidding me!? There was like a fucking million of ’em! I cannot see, I cannot see a goddamn thing. Ohh, I got a fucking 250,000 fucking points! Yay! Achievement! What do I need to fucking get all the achievements? Let’s see. What kind of fucking piece of shit is gonna waste their goddamn life, trying to get a stupid fucking retarded achievement like that!? You gotta be some kinda fucking moron! Fuck you Jack.