What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers… and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite… and start getting Re-al. This is… The Champions. And for my next trick, I will make myself reappear as a relevant player! Now that the transfer window is over, I could spend more time pursuing my hobbies. Ya know, like playing football! Hi, this is me, Christian Eriksen! I love to play football for Tottenham Hotspur, I’m so happy! Ah, no. Hello. Watch out Champions League, it’s time for Atlanta to rock your world. Uh, it’s Atalanta. Ah, s–t. So, today is arrival day, and I’m really excited to be in the Champions League mansion with a club that actually has a chance to make it out of the group stage. Jow! Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you… you must have been in my shadow. Uh…what are you talking about? Joao, listen, I know that you feel a lot of pressure; because to be compared to me, this must be very hard. I don’t…I really haven’t thought about it. Shhhh, baby, baby, shhh, it’s OK, it’s OK. You just be the best Joao Felix that you can be… because there will never be anyone who can match my skills or my amount of troph- -my good looks. Here…I want you to take this. It is trophy from something I don’t remember. Whoa, the Nations League cup. Aw, man. I don’t deserve this. I think it should go to our best player. Ah, thank you, but, you know, I already have too many trophies. Oh, no, I meant Bernardo. And here is the kitchen. Whoa. So, I decided to take Luka Jovic under my wing. I even let him into my elite society: ‘LUKAS OF REAL MADRID.’ OK, so, this is the Pirlo wine dispenser if you want wine. This is, uh, Maradona flour dispenser if you like to bake or something. What does this one do? Oh, that’s the Ballon d’Or. It’s supposed to make people care about you, but it does not seem to work. Here we are, lads! Looks like we’re taking over the Man United room. I think I found Fellaini’s old hair. I think I found Alexis Sanchez. Guten tag! Any of you Englanders want some schweinekrusten? Germany definitely changed me. But now, I’m in the Premier League, So, I’m trying to make an effort to understand British culture, innit? So what the heck is up with this Brexit thing? Christian. Stop talking. Listen, Gabriel, I swear- I’m going to find a way to get you more involved. You are just too talented- Ah, Jurgen, my worthy German rival. Pep, my classy Catalan competitor. Champions League trophy…very nice. Premier League trophy…very nice. My doctor says whenever I get a trophy craving I should just put in a commemorative DVD to remind me that it’s really about the journey, not the destination so much. It was a good run at Ajax, but I’m very excited to join Juventus because, well, mainly they’re paying me a lot of money. Hey, Giorgio! My brother! So excited to be on the squad. What’s up? New transfers. Over there. I like it. I see so much new blood. My children, are you willing to serve to sacrifice for the Old Lady? Very good. For she needs the fresh, new blood to stay strong…to stay young. To be… JUVENTUS. Wait…aren’t vampires supposed to like…not be in the sun? Vampire? Oh, I’m not a vampire. No, he just drains the life from everyone who plays with him. What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers… and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite… and start getting Re-al. This is… The Champions. I am so sick of all the vanity and the egos in Paris. That is why next season, I’m going to Miami. If you come at Napoli, be prepared to get a pizza me… Ever since I was a young boy, I dreamed of playing for Juv… Piemonte Calcio And just remember, don’t overlook Olympiacos! A red card this early in the morning? I didn’t realize the refs could see into my dreams. I’m afraid It’s not that kind of red card… …it’s worse. Aye yai yai. So every year, the winner of the Champions League hosts a ball in their honor. I can say from experience, it’s usually not very fun for the losers. But this year is different, because everybody loves Liverpool! I can feel the excitement all over the house! I’m not going. Bup-bup, Razz, we have to go. We have to show them that we can handle anything they throw at us…even a…a… An insufferable Liverpool wankfest? Yes…even an insufferable Liverpool wankfest. The festivities are about to begin, so please take your seats. What’s this, we’ve got no silverware? Barcelona, we didn’t mean to put you front and center, but unfortunately, all the corners were taken too quickly! Before we begin, I want to thank a special person, without whom we would not be here today, Mr. Loris Karius. Thank you for showing our American overlords the importance of spending a lot of money on a competent keeper. Well, we’ve got some special treats for you tonight, folks. Liverpool greats, old and new, will share with us their favorite memories and what this title means to them. First up, Captain Fantastic himself, Steven Gerrard! Yikes. OK. Well, next up is, Robbie Fowler! Moving on now to number 38 of me top 50 list of Liverpool inside jokes that only true scousers would understand… …In the Netherlands, we have a saying, “Je staat nooit alleen,” or in English…you’ll never walk alone. And that is why we need more Liverpool players in the media! We should never have to talk alone. Bleedin’ hell. Seriously, we can’t just leave? No! We must stay. Because when we win this year… then they must stay. Kevin. And then there was the 2005 Champions League semi-final against Chelsea. What’s the matter, Lampard? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Ugh, Liverpool. Such bloody wankers, am I right? And now, we’d like to play a special video, to show you why in Liverpool, this means more. Welcome to Liverpool, where everything matters a little more. Other teams have supporters. We have a family. Other teams have managers. We have a guardian angel with perfect teeth. We are the most special team, in the most special city, with the most fun, likeable players and and the catchiest songs. We are Liverpool… This means more. Your team means less. Please give me a red card! I’ll do anything! Anything! Just please eject me, man! And now you’re all very lucky. ‘Cause we’ve got a very special musical guest, a legendary Liverpool musician… Let’s give it up for… Jamie Webster! Who the hell is Jamie Webster? You don’t know Jamie Webster? Mo Salah, Mo Salah, my heart is full of Liverpool, and if I die, I hope I go to heaven, and heaven is actually Anfield, and god is Robbie Fowler. Mo Salah, Mo Salah, I love you so much I would eat your poop. Oh, come on. This is painful. Everyone else is leaving. Yes. But we’re not like everyone, Razza. Remain classy. Don’t let them break you. Wow…that was truly unbelievable. And now, I want to do a toast, to the incredible feat of winning the Champions League, and doing so without spending all the money that Manchester City spends, oh my god it’s like a fantasy land over there..am I right? So let’s all raise our cups! Ah. Is there is anything sweeter than drinking from Ol’ Big Ears? I can think of one thing. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Drinking from the Premier League trophy! But, of course, Liverpool wouldn’t know. Whoa. He hasn’t looked at the table, has he? Seriously. So self-absorbed. No wonder everyone hates Man City. What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers… and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite… and start getting Re-al. This is… The Champions. This Halloween, I dressed up as a real, Premier League man. Hat-trick-or-treat! Ever since coming to Barcelona, it’s been difficult to connect with Messi. He’s never online! OK. Just hold on for one second. I want to send this. It’s going to be so funny. What, what? Oh, no. Oh, no. Delete, delete, delete, delete! Man, I haven’t seen Leo this frustrated since… after every single international tournament. The Neymar transfer falling through has really put Messi in a mood this season. I don’t think a trip to the pottery shop is going to solve this one. Hmm….maybe Messi needs to talk with someone on his level. Oh, yes. This is a very good idea. I will talk him to him now! Ah. No. I meant Ronaldo. Pique say I should ask Ronaldo to dinner, because he is the only person who understands, you know, how it feel to always be around worse players. So, are you excited? Eh…no. Um…everything OK in there? No! Look. I don’t see what’s wrong. How many abs you see? How many abs? Uh…eight. Oh god. No, no, no! Why is that bad? My ninth ab is gone! I am truly aging. Ninth ab? Is that a thing? Ugh, Cristiano, your phone is blowing up. Ew. I don’t know this number. Have one of the center-backs clear that. Thank you. Uh…I think that is, uh, actually Messi’s number. Oh my god. No it’s not. Shut up. Shut up. I mean…whatever…I mean…pfft…what does he want? You know? Probably Champions League tips because I have, uh, 127 Champions League goals and he has, like, 113 or something… I don’t know, I don’t pay attention to that stuff. Now if you’ll excuse me, Karim, I guess I’ll see what Lionel Messi wants to talk to me about. Karim? I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m Karim Benzema. So…Leo Messi has asked me to dinner. What do you think you want to talk to him about? You know, to be honest, I don’t have many people in my life who say the truth. So they all will just say, ‘Ronaldo, you are so great,’ ‘Ronaldo, you are the best,’ ‘Ronaldo, you are not guilty’— you know, things like that. But if Messi says that I’m the best, you know, then it must be the truth. But I’m sure he thinks he is the best…except for the looks, of course. So…uh…Van Dijk? UEFA Player of the Year, eh? Si. Uh, it is stupid award, you know, like… I mean, please, the guy has one good year, but honestly, like, I honest…I think he kind of sucks. I think he is very good player. Well, yeah, yeah, I mean, of course, for sure he is very good, I mean, I don’t want to take anything away from him, I just mean, like, he isn’t as good as us, but yeah, I mean I totally, I know what you’re saying, like, he’s obviously— I will tell you the specials. Memories they are prison. Nothing we can call our own, but death, and that small model of barren earth, which serves as a paste and a cover to our bones… Today’s special is a French onion soup. I will have the goat. Yikes. Ah, no! Don’t eat me. Hehe…er. Um…I will have the cod, please. Thanks. So…here we are. Ronaldo and Messi…just…having dinner, you know. Can you believe it? Si. Yeah…right. So…uh…how dumb are taxes, right? OK…um…what…uh…was there, like, a reason you wanted to have dinner, because… I need to eat to have energy. Yes, obviously, but I mean…like…a reason to eat with me? Si. OK…and? To talk. OK, but you don’t say anything. I like to let my football do the talking. OK, then what am I even doing here? This is stupid. This was a stupid idea. We are not the same. OK, I am a brand… and you are just like…a…um…a football robot or something. Yeah, run away like you ran away from La Liga…p—y ass b—h. What did you say? I said, uh, ‘thank you.’ Thank you? Si. You solved my problem. Before I was mad that we did not get Neymar, but now you have reminded me that the greatest players have giant egos, and are not fun to play with. You are the best, Ronaldo. Wait…I’m the…the best? Well, no, I did not mean like— Did you guys hear this? Lionel Messi just said I am the best! Did you guys hear this? Lionel Messi just said I am the best! Media! Any media! Did you hear this? Messi said Ronaldo is the best. That is not what I meant. Oh, I heard it as clear as Crystal Palace! Huh! Crystal Palace? Huh? Where!? What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers… and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite… and start getting Re-al. This is… The Champions. I’m De Jong! But I’m De Youngest! You’ve got to fight- For your right- To Thoooomassss! Let me talk! Let me talk! OK…talk. Kevin. The Special One is back, haha! Hope the Premier League is ready for more… …inho! C’mon, Neymar. We’re watching! Oh, hey, movie night? Dope! Is this, like, an artsy French film or something? Uh. It’s match film. Oh, nice. I love football movies! Check this one out. What the hell? Ever since the Barca transfer fell through, I’ve been sensing some weird vibes from my PSG teammates. And honestly, I don’t get it. I’m scoring sick goals, I got mad tekkers, and I’ve got over a 100 million IG followers. Like, what else do I gotta do to be liked?! It’s ridiculous, man. You’re so dope. How could anyone not like you? Surprise! Zut alors! What the hell?! I wanted to throw you all a surprise party, you know, to show how much I don’t hate playing with y’all in France. We can’t party. We have a match tomorrow. OK, never stopped me before. It took my people all day to set up that party. I mean, I perpetuated every French stereotype I could think of… all for nothing. Ridiculous! I worked an hour on that. I used all my printer ink on that picture of Jean-Paul Belmondo. Maybe we should have gone with the farming theme. Neymar, we know you don’t want to be here. That’s ridiculous, man. You guys are like brothers to me, and believe me, I really love my siblings. OK, then why did you offer to pay €20 million to cover the transfer fees to Barcelona? Uh…to save you guys money! Pffft! Wow. You guys are, like, really ungrateful. Are you being serious? Have you even thanked me once for taking all of the penalties for you over the past two years? I want to take the penalties! See, this is the thing, you are only worried about what Neymar wants. You don’t care about the team. Oh yeah? I love Paris Saint-Germany. In fact, I love PSG so much, that I got a giant PSG tattoo on my back! You got a giant PSG tattoo on your back? Yeah, bro! Can we see it? Uh…well, I mean, it’s like brand-new, so, you know the doctor said it might get infected, so… you know, I gotta keep it covered, but, uh… Show us this tattoo, Neymar. OK! Fine. You guys want to see it? No problemo. I just need to…um… just need to, uh, get this shirt off, because it could be…it’s a bit complicated. Show us the tattoo! Just show us the tattoo! OK, OK! Fine, fine! Chill, Cavani. OK, ready. Um…check this out. What the hell is that? This is a new low, Neymar. OK. You know what. You guys are meaner than the PSG ultras, man! I’m leaving! You don’t deserve me! I thought that tattoo was pretty dope. Yeah, that artwork was sick. I love my GPS, man. That’s how I know where I am. Ugh. Everyone on PSG is, like, so judgmental. I need to go somewhere where I can clear my head. Yeah, we should go somewhere you can clear your head. That’s a good idea. Yeah, like Ibiza! I just don’t get it. What happened to the days when all people cared about was flair and cool moves? I care about your flair. I love your tekkers. Yeah! It feels like all anyone cares about these days is, like… dedication and loyalty and, like, sacrifice…you know. That corny s–t. Times are changing, man. I’m just here for the money. Hey, man. Are you OK? Oh, great. Here comes the new guy. I just want you to know that I don’t think you are a jerk. You don’t? I think that you are just following your heart. Trying to be happy. I walked the same path as you. I lost many friends. You did? When I was a young player in Sampdoria, I met this beautiful woman. A mother of three. She was smart, sassy…but she was also sad. You see, her husband was always away, doing… who knows what. Well, long story short, I fell in love with her and made her my wife. And I even got her children’s names tattooed on my arm. That’s beautiful. And people think you’re a jerk for this? People are set in their ways. Just look out for you. Be really good at football, and people will either forgive you or, if not, they will transfer you. Thank you, Mauro. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I would like that. Tell me about your family. Well, I’m very close to them. In fact, my dad is my agent. Oh, no way?! My wife is my agent! Do you have a wife? Oh no, actually, but I have a beautiful sister whom I’m very close with. Really? I would love to meet her. Maybe we can all take a yacht trip together someday? Yo! That would be dope! So dope! I love yachts, man! Maybe he’ll get a tattoo of us some day. What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers… and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite… and start getting Re-al. This is… The Champions. I don’t call them free kicks. I call them free goals. It’s true that I sleep with all my hat trick balls. I have so many now I’m worried I might contract an STD. A Sweet Transfer Deal. Uh, hello! This was filmed two weeks before the air date, so, uh… could you let me know in the comments if I’ve been sacked yet? I score hat tricks like it’s my job. Wait, that is your job, though. Right. So that is good. It’s high time the media gave us keepers our due! Yeah! They don’t appreciate us! OK, OK. Yes, we all agree. But…we are moving on to new business. Uh, I would like to mention that sometimes our own clubs don’t appreciate us. OK. Danke, Keylor. Now, does anyone have anything that’s not about being underappreciated? I want to say something. I think that keepers should at least have the option to wear the same kit as the rest of the squad. Right? All right. Here’s my proposal. OK, listen. I know. I’m a Yank. But I gotta—just hear me out, hear me out. So, goalies should be able to wear big hats that can cover the entire goal. So, I mean, you could just basically sit on your butt, and your hat would block the whole goal! All right. Anyone else? I’d like to introduce a new motion. The chair recognizes Germany’s No. 2. I think it’s time we have a vote for a new president of the Goalkeepers Union. Don’t get me wrong, Manu has changed the game for keepers, but he needs to admit that he is no longer the face of the keeper position. I…uh… Is this the keepers’ union? Hey! No strikers allowed! It’s OK. I’m not a striker. I’m an attacking midfielder. Same thing. No outfield players! Get outta here, bare-hander! It’s urgent! I need to speak to you or else we’re all going to die. Why is that so funny? My dear Raumdeuter, do you think us keepers, for all our time in solitude, have not pondered our own mortality? No. You don’t understand. This is an emergency! If we do not act, Earth will be destroyed by Thursday. Oh, no. I have a match on Thursday. So, why should we listen to you? For those of you who don’t know me, I was a very important and relevant player until, like, a year ago. My name is Thomas Muller, aka The Raumdeuter, which roughly translates to space investigator or interpreter. It’s very cool actually, but… Get on with it, striker! OK. Right, right. Sorry. So I was investigating the space…like space-space, when I noticed something in the sky… a giant meteor heading straight for Earth! So what do you expect us to do? You are all the best in the world when it comes to stopping things from hitting their target, right? I’m asking you, goalkeepers… to save the Earth! So we are supposed to just fly up into space and, uh, punch a meteor? I haven’t…figured that part out yet. I have an idea. Who the hell are you? Andriy Pyatov. Starting keeper. Shakhtar Donetsk. I think I know how we can stop this meteor. Gentlemen, meet…ze gigantsky mega vratar. Also known as Goaltron. Goaltron? After the meltdown at Chernobyl, the Soviet apparatchiks proposed a secret plan to send giant goalie robot to ‘boot’ the reactor core into space. But the plan was ultimately deemed too stupid, and Goaltron was stored away indefinitely. How do you know all of this? I used to be backup goalie for Pripyat Roentgens. So how does it work? It is piloted by five goalkeepers. Four controlling each limb, and one in the head. That means we’ll need our top five goalies, so I’m out. Right. OK. Ederson, Alisson, you take the legs. Oblak, De Gea, the arms. And I’ll take the head. Um…I mean…I don’t know if you’re top 5. What? I’m Manuel Neuer. The original sweeper-keeper. Manuel, nobody is denying your historical greatness. But you’ve had injuries. You’re getting older. It happens to the best of us. But…who would you replace me with? Ter Stegen!? He can’t be the leader; he can’t even decide on a first name! Oh, and you’ll lead us into space like the time you led us up the field against South Korea? There’s no time for this. I will drive. Uh…let’s just go with the two Germans. OK, folks, this thing is coming in fast. We need to guess a direction. It’s coming left! No, you vollpfosten! It’s right. We need to dive right! I think we need to rush it and slide tackle it in open space. Agreed. Full thrust. I don’t know, boys. I think we stay on our line and get a better read on it. Yeah. Good idea. Nein! We need to press! Nein! Manuel, nein! You’re so a-neuer-ing. Stay back! Stay back! Oh…scheisse! What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers… and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite… and start getting Re-al. This is… The Champions. Dele…everything is in shambles! Yeah, yeah I get it. We’ve just got to take it one match at a time, I suppose. No, Dele, look! Oh…I guess this is a little worse than normal. Ugh…nein. Ugh…this was supposed to be our year! And now the world is ending! Ha, yes! All my prayers have been answered! Kevin? Don’t you see? Everything is destroyed! Man City will be the last team to ever win the Premier League title. Mmm…Kevin… Can I get a little help here? I can’t do this by myself. Aw man, I just got my braces off. In chaos…everything is legal. Oh, no. Not today, Sergio! Is this the knockout stage? It’s crazier than I thought. Oh, oh thank goodness. There you are. My precious little Yankee boy. I thought to be accepted at Chelsea, I’d have to do all these British things. It turns out, all I had to do was score a bunch of goals. Come on, get in, we’ll get you to safety! Where would you take us? Back to Europa house. It’s still standing. Eh…I’d rather take my chances. All right, suit yourselves. Ole’s at the wheel! Ole’s at the wheel! I don’t park the bus–I gun it! I don’t see what everyone is complaining about. Yeah, feels like a home game. Please let me in, please let me in! Oh, my botox is melting! Is the air worse in here? I haven’t seen a disaster this bad since I played for FC Pompeii. That’s nothing. I used to play for Arsenal. Yikes. What was that? Oh, my stomach. I’m 12 minutes overdue for my fourth protein meal. It’s OK. We have a year supply of non-perishable foods in here. No…Benzema. Looks like all the food is gone…you know what this means: It’s OK to eat people! So, uh…should we…head back? We can’t go back. We blew it. We’ll be a bunch of, Loris Kariuses down there. Hey, look! Attention. Keepers of the Champions League…and De Gea. After review by Galactic VAR, We have determined that during the buildup of the meteor, a dust particle was offside. The meteor strike is disallowed. What?! Everything is back to normal! Yes! Haha! We’re back at the top of the table. Agh. Stupid galactic VAR. I guess we’re gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way. Winning 18 matches in a row. Uh, must be nice. Harry, it’s OK. I’m here now. And remember, it could always be worse. We have three whole years before that happens. And by then you’ll be long gone. Hey, look. The Champions League mansion went back to normal. When do we get to reset back to normal? Unfortunately, Phil, I think this is the new normal. This cartoon? It is the “special one” of cartoons. So park your bus right here, and show your respect by subscribing.